Ah, so she misunderstood from the start what it was supposed to do. She'd truly thought it was for him, but her goal with every conversation after she woke was to reassure the ones she loved that she was all right, to make certain they were well after days of not knowing what was happening, if she'd come back, what she'd be like if she did. It doesn't really matter anymore who it was for or what it was meant to do, now that they're here.
An entire year of carrying this, with the knowledge she'll carry this every day forward. It's a terrible weight, but she can bear it. It's not so much that she can't when she's not alone.
"It's fine, Chris. Every life is filled with things a person must carry, good or ill. This one is heavier than others, but I can do this. Not because I simply must or I think I have to above all else," though those things aren't untrue, "but because I'm not simply hiding myself away the way I used to. If I struggle for any reason, I can say it. I do say it, otherwise we wouldn't be here talking through any of this." It's only a weight, painful as it is. She'll bear it and still make the most of her life because she refuses to be held down by everything. This, at least, she won't bury the way she has the deaths of her family. That should count for something.
She frowns, eyes turning to the waves and the surf. "I couldn't be alone in the house back then. Even after being drawn out to lift my spirits, living in it was reliving the heartache of remembering I was alone every second of every day. The beach can't remind me of someone who was never associated with the sea, and I'd heard it was a dangerous place to be. The combination felt appropriate, given how little I cared for my life at the time." She shakes her head, sighing so softly the sound is covered by the water lapping at their toes.
"I was still grieving openly, then. Seeing you, even changed as you were... I wanted it to be true that it was him again. It didn't matter that I knew who you were, because I needed him to be there." Her frown deepens as she forces herself to look back at him. "It wasn't to hurt you, it was to make myself feel better. It was selfish, and I didn't care if I hurt you in that moment because I couldn't think past my own pain. For that, I'm sorry beyond all measure. Even more so because you..." She struggles briefly for a breath. "Because you stood your ground against all of that when I needed a chance to say goodbye."
Dreams, she still regrets how she hurt him with that. Even if they've talked it through and everything is fine, she'll carry that guilt even into death. It'll weigh more heavily on her heart than anything else that's happened in between them.
Slowly, she takes a step back from him and bows her head low. She lingers there for a few breaths, then stands again to face him. There's no hiding from this, and she won't think to try. "I'm sorry, Chris. I love you, and I know at times it means we hurt each other, but I'm so sorry for this. I swear to you now I will never ask anything like that of you again, nor will I ever call you as anyone but yourself. I love you for you, no matter how we might hurt or hinder each other. You're family to me, and I never want you to think I don't want to make things right between us when the inevitable happens."
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An entire year of carrying this, with the knowledge she'll carry this every day forward. It's a terrible weight, but she can bear it. It's not so much that she can't when she's not alone.
"It's fine, Chris. Every life is filled with things a person must carry, good or ill. This one is heavier than others, but I can do this. Not because I simply must or I think I have to above all else," though those things aren't untrue, "but because I'm not simply hiding myself away the way I used to. If I struggle for any reason, I can say it. I do say it, otherwise we wouldn't be here talking through any of this." It's only a weight, painful as it is. She'll bear it and still make the most of her life because she refuses to be held down by everything. This, at least, she won't bury the way she has the deaths of her family. That should count for something.
She frowns, eyes turning to the waves and the surf. "I couldn't be alone in the house back then. Even after being drawn out to lift my spirits, living in it was reliving the heartache of remembering I was alone every second of every day. The beach can't remind me of someone who was never associated with the sea, and I'd heard it was a dangerous place to be. The combination felt appropriate, given how little I cared for my life at the time." She shakes her head, sighing so softly the sound is covered by the water lapping at their toes.
"I was still grieving openly, then. Seeing you, even changed as you were... I wanted it to be true that it was him again. It didn't matter that I knew who you were, because I needed him to be there." Her frown deepens as she forces herself to look back at him. "It wasn't to hurt you, it was to make myself feel better. It was selfish, and I didn't care if I hurt you in that moment because I couldn't think past my own pain. For that, I'm sorry beyond all measure. Even more so because you..." She struggles briefly for a breath. "Because you stood your ground against all of that when I needed a chance to say goodbye."
Dreams, she still regrets how she hurt him with that. Even if they've talked it through and everything is fine, she'll carry that guilt even into death. It'll weigh more heavily on her heart than anything else that's happened in between them.
Slowly, she takes a step back from him and bows her head low. She lingers there for a few breaths, then stands again to face him. There's no hiding from this, and she won't think to try. "I'm sorry, Chris. I love you, and I know at times it means we hurt each other, but I'm so sorry for this. I swear to you now I will never ask anything like that of you again, nor will I ever call you as anyone but yourself. I love you for you, no matter how we might hurt or hinder each other. You're family to me, and I never want you to think I don't want to make things right between us when the inevitable happens."