chrisisofaith | IC Contact

I hope you're not looking for congratulations from me, you've made it very clear whose side you're on.

[He’s barely been catching up on sleep. There’s too many he’s minding and the house is too quiet and his head’s been a mess for…months. He should probably go to Jon like he promised, but it feels too soon and gods knew Jon was dealing with his own fires, Chris didn’t need to take a match to himself too.

When Jacob’s username flashes across his phone, there’s a flicker of happiness and hope ingrained in him that quickly gives way to dread.

They haven’t spoken, not even the inane little texts they would send. He hasn’t gone to the Arena or The Spread Eagle in days.

His emotions turn sharp and too much like a River of glass through him.]

What the fuck would you have me do, contract with you? Contract with Vernille?

What do you want me to say?

[ Jacob had waited, every single fucking day, to see Chris walk in. He didn't need him to come apologising, he didn't need him to come crawling, he didn't even care. He just missed the blond idiot, missed his voice and his smile and the smell of him around, sparring in the Arena or having a drink as Jacob worked, and not having him around was... was like having a limb missing.

But Chris' contract with Jon was a stab, a horrible wound that sliced deep into his chest, and he knew then how truly stupid he had been. Chris said he didn't want to pick that he didn't want to have to side with one of them over the other, but he clearly had, and he hadn't even had the balls to say anything. Just done it, knowing Jacob would find out.

And now, that stupid reply? That fucking ridiculous message. Contract with you? as if Jacob didn't wish that he could, that he was free to sign up with anyone he liked, that it didn't matter what stupid station they'd been assigned in this place. It made him angry all over again, so angry he could spit. ]

I'd contract with you if you wanted. But this place won't allow that, so don't throw it in my face like it's my fault.

Edited 2022-07-15 16:36 (UTC)

[They we’re usually better than this.

Maybe.

Were they? How long had he been nursing his grudge that Jacob only seemed to want him when he’d spread his legs? When that had been Chris’ perception. Mostly.

Maybe this was just them.]

You wouldn’t.
Think what you want, but I would contract with you if I could.
But it’s not an option.
What is an option is someone I trust more than nearly anyone else here, someone I know respects me and my comfort and I his.

[‘Would you rather it be some stranger who I might read wrong’ is typed out but not sent. That wasn’t helpful.]

Im looking out for myself, not fueling your anger or hurt.

[Jacob growls, how fucking dare Chris say that? He doesn't know what the hell Jacob feels, he doesn't know what Jacob would or wouldn't do if things were different.]

Well I'm so glad you trust him more than me. I'm so glad that you think he respects you and your comfort so very much. I'm sure you'll be fucking happy together. I'm sure he'll fuck you rough and let you tie him up and you'll shag like bloody devils and afterwards you can cuddle and talk about fucking stars and towers and candles floating on the goddamn sea and drink FUCKING HERBAL TEA.

[He almost actually screams. There’s a crackle of black energy around his hands as it grips too tightly to his phone that causes the screen to flicker and he has to drop it on the nearest surface before he breaks it.

He should fly down there and punch that man! He should just stop talking to him altogether-

Except he can’t.
Gods know he wants to on something level, but he can’t.

He tries to think through the static and rage and tries to look at what Jacob’s written again. He loves him enough to try.]

Why

Why are you throwing this in my face?
Why are you taking my words around? I didn’t say more, I said he’s a dominant and I trust him.

I didn’t say I wasn’t going to do those things with you.

Why are you so angry about this?

[ He wishes he was drunk. But he isn't. He's stone cold sober, and he has to stay that way. He hates it.

And he hates how purposefully stupid Chris is being. He's a smart man, beautiful and capable, with a bold heart and Jacob feels so aggrieved impossibly angry that this is what is happening between them. Why? Because Chris had thrown in his lot with Jon Sims, a fucking coward, a rude, unpleasant creature that will snap and snarl and spit poison but won't actually get his hands dirty.

Chris can do better. Jacob isn't better. He's not even on par. He knows that much. That's why he tries. He forces himself to read what he writes and re-write it, over and over.]

You told me to leave. And then this last few days, I thought thought might see you. I didn't have the courage to go find you, but I hoped you might come to me. And then you signed with Sims and still didn't reach out to me, just to let me know? I know you don't need my blessing or my approval or anything like that but I'd tell you if I was living somewhere else with a new dominant.

And...

And I assumed you were done with me.

[Theres something in this. Something he’s not seeing, but it plays at the edge of his understanding. It jolts even more confusion into the slurry of his head.
Breathe. Stream of consciousness and edit down.]

Jacob, I told you to leave because you pinned me without my consent or interest, I felt trapped and panicked. You’d already wanted to leave, I should have just let you.
I trust you, that’s not unconditional for anyone.

As to coming to you, it’s been a handful of days and I thought you were angry at me and wouldn’t care to know. I’m not moving in with him, nothing is changing.

I’m not through with you, I’m just
Angry
And confused
Like we’re not talking properly

[Something clicks slightly and that sharpness comes back]

You don’t sound like you’re talking sides anymore.

You grabbed me! You were angry, and there was all this bile radiating off you and suddenly you weren't sat down anymore you were right in my face and I... I didn't think. I just moved. I think I was still amped up. From going to Sims' place. I didn't mean to pin you. I didn't hurt you did I?

I wasn't. I mean I was. I was angry. But not angry enough not to want to see you. I mean I wanted to see you and smack you a few times but... Still see you.

You aren't moving in with him?

[ Wait. Wait. This might change everything. ]

You don't want to be a couple with him? All loved up and picking curtains and buying the cat a jumper?

No of course you didn’t. I shouldn’t have grabbed you either.

[That had been a different kind of impulsive panic.]

Im still not sure we aren’t going to solve this with punching each other. It’s not off the table.

[…]

Jacob. Let me be perfectly plain because I’m tired of being assumed and misunderstood.

I love Jon Sims entirely. To my knowledge, he feels at least something similar.
We are not together for reasons that frankly aren’t your business nor concern.

I love you entirely.
You’ve made it clear it’s just on me. That’s fine. I’m adult enough to choose to nurse my feelings with them going nowhere in either case.

I contracted with Jon because I don’t trust easy and there have been a few too many brushes with dominants I didn’t trust doing things I only half consented to in the last half year. I chose him for an interest in mutual safety and having each other’s backs, the love is secondary.

Nothing’s changed except you tried to punch him and it became my problem.

You didn't mean me any harm. I should have better control of myself.

[ There's was a flare of something like hope in his chest, something warm and bright like a tiny star, like a tiny light in the night. ]

You can punch me if you want. I'll even hold still for you, to give you a fighting chance.

[ And then the light flickers, almost as if someone is trying to blow it out. It takes everything Jacob has to remind himself of what Chris helped him understand, not all that long ago. However someone he loves cares for someone else doesn't take away what they have. Whatever Chris and Jon Sims have together is nothing like what he has with Chris. Nor does it decrease it in value. Just like what he has with Chris doesn't change what he has with Vrenille or Hellboy or Vanessa.]

What do you mean, I made it clear its just on you?

[ ~~And what about these dominants? Who the hell hurt you? Why didn't you tel me?~~ No. Its not the time. ]

If you and Jon Sims are happy, if you trust him and enjoy his company, I'm glad. I... I do want you to be happy. But he and I. We're chalk and cheese. We're never going to get along. Christ knows I've tried.

[He doesn’t dignify the jab with response, even if it does pull a flicker of a smile through the mess.
It’s not the time for that either, it’s a little too soon.]

I told you before I don’t need you to get along or anything. I only mind when you want to break his nose. I’d mind just as much if he hurt you. People hurt each other on accident, it happens. With intent? Now it’s my concern.

I’m sorry you’ve clashed, I think you’d make a deadly team of sharp minds if set to it, but you’re bold and stubborn and he’s prickly and stubborn. You both dig your heels in more than any I know.

But I am happy with the time we spend. If that’s your concern, I can make that assurance.

As to rest, I simply meant when that stupid bird thing had me telling you my heart, we were both compelled to truth and you said nothing. I know you’re as good at saying things as I am, so I took that for the answer it was.
It’s really fine, I’m happy being your friend.

I can think of one other stubborn soul that he and I both know.

[ Sorry Chris, but you're just as prone to digging in your heels too, and Jacob isn't about to pretend otherwise. If Chris is set on something, no one can divert him. It's actually something Jacob admires, but he can see that it causes problems just as much as it provides solutions. ]

I... you don't need to assure me. I know it, when we're together, it's you and me, no one else. I... I'm still trying with the jealousy. I am. It's not an easy beast to tame.

[ The second text follows a moment later, well. Five minutes or so, because Jacob doesn't know if he can say what he needs to like this. He doesn't trust his fingers to write it out and he doesn't know if he should call. But he's worried that Chris wouldn't answer, so he tries as best he can to explain. Things have changed since then. He didn't answer then, because he didn't know, not for sure. Was it lust, and lust alone? Was it friendship, deep and strong, with that added desire on top? Had this feeling grown since then, or just blossomed? Jacob doesn't know.]

If you asked now, you'd get a different answer.

I know you are and I’m proud of you for trying.

I suppose I’ve my own stubbornness to account, it might be my only way of surviving you two.

[It certainly helped.
The small tease feels a little better this time and when there’s no immediate response, he thinks maybe they’ve had their course here. Nothing said this had to be fixed over one conversation, even if he wished for their normalcy.

Except then those three osculating dots show up now and again and Chris nearly types ‘you really don’t need to assure me, in fact I’ll be offended if you do’ but thinks better of the tease. He’d accused Jacob of assuming his mind and coming up wrong, Chris shouldn’t do the same, at least so soon.

And perhaps it’s better he didn’t. What comes after a moment has him standing stock-still in place. As the mess in him tries to redirect and clear way for something else surging forward.

He reads it over more than once, analyzing and over analyzing to find some other meaning in a simple sentence.
He types out a few things:

Since when?

This doesn’t change the fact I kind of want to punch you, but maybe I can give a kinder follow up.

Why is it every time someone’s told me they love me it’s over text?

He doesn’t send any of them.]

Are you saying you love me, Jacob Frye?

[ Jacob sees the first messages come in, and he feels... different. Chris is proud of him. Chris knows he can be stubborn.

He's no saint. But Jacob isn't either. He takes a breath, beginning to type something, wondering if Chris is going to reply to that second message, but there are those dancing dots that indicate Chris is having as much difficulty replying to it as Jacob had typing it out in the first place.

Once that reply appears, he feels his heart in his throat, his breath coming fast. He didn't want to do this over text. He didn't. He just wanted Chris to know things had changed.

He doesn't touch the keyboard at all, not until he's sure, not until he knows what he needs to say. And even then, the message he types is brief. ]

Can I come and see you?

[There’s a long enough pause that Chris finds himself torn between turning his phone face down for a little while and staring at it obsessively.

He compromises by taking a moment to put his face in his hands and trying to…rearrange his thoughts. Compartments.]

I can’t promise I won’t still punch you at least a little, but you can get one in back.

Yes

where will you be?

[ Gervaise leaves then and there, heading out from the Arena. He'll either be going to Haven, Chris' theatre or the house and whichever- or any- Chris directs him to will need him to leave the Arena. Thankfully there's enough people, enough staff around the place for him to be confident in leaving it with them.

Once he gets the response from Chris, he'll head that way, taking any and all short cuts he knows. Why he is racing there he doesn't know, but something in him wants him to get there as quick as he can, almost as if he's racing against time and Chris' desire to see him. ]

The theatre

[Except gods knew he didn't want any of the others watching or listening in, he was bad enough at this without an audience.]

the roof

[Jacob could get up there on his own, Chris had no doubt, so he flies up there....and waits. And paces, mind nothing but static, and the ring on his right hand making a fevered journey around its finger as he fiddles nervously.

Not some lovelorn fool he'd said once. Except when he was. Except when Caleb laughed or Jon gave that little smile, or when Jacob seemed to be dropping everything to come meet with him. Hopeless, maybe he was, instead.

When he hears the slight scrape of stone being climbed and shoes on the cement of the roof, Chris turns towards the sound and tries desperately to keep the cautious hope from overwhelming sense and reason. He'd made peace with this -with what they were- if Jacob pulled the rug from him now, he really couldn't be held accountable for pushing the assassin off the roof.]

[ He's not very familiar with the theatre. He tends to avoid them where he can, but he doesn't think he can really ask to meet elsewhere. Not when he was the one asking for them to meet.

So up he goes, finding what toe and hand holds he can up an unfamiliar building, trying to focus on the climb and not the man he already knows is up there, outlined in gold and patrolling it like he expects the French to invade at any moment.

Not that Chris would understand who the French are. Not that it even matters in the slightest.

When his hands reach the lip of the roof he hauls himself up and over, and heads towards Chris. Chris who doesn't run to meet him, either to embrace him or punch him. But that's probably for the best.

And just like that, all the words that were in his head fade and he's left looking at Chris, those gorgeous blue eyes full of hope and caution and Jacob feels his stomach do a flip. ]

I... thank you. For letting me see you. I was an arse, the other day.

[Chris grips his fingers tight for a moment to end their fiddling, then folds his arms in front of him, not tight but just...to stop from any other tells that might come up.

Though, there's a flicker of a smile as Chris' eyes flicker over to the edge of the roof, then back to Jacob.]

I think we've established I've a poor track record for keeping from you...or keeping you from me. I don't...really want to.

[He pulls from the static a politician's careful neutrality, something practiced and solid to contain the mess. He wasn't good at this. He hadn't had Kallian long enough to fight with him and the times he'd fought with Ra'ah...they never resolved it, just moved on, just pretended the original problem was nothing they needed to worry about at the time. Ra'ah let him run and be right even when he wasn't and Chris never tried to be better.]

I wasn't as kind as I could have been-I just...I told you once I'm no catch to be had. This is part of it. I'm sharp and sometimes mean I- [His throat closes around words he knows the shape of, but they're too heavy to cough up, so he switches to easier ones.]

I'm meant to be better at this. Communicating, easing conflict, finding the better path...but I'm really not. I get lucky, but I'm better with fists than words and those fists rarely ever serve.

Especially not when I care too much. [He smiles, but there's no humor to it and he looks away again.] I've never actually had to intervene between two people who matter so much to me. I certainly could have managed better.

[He'd given Jon space, but what if that hadn't been what he needed? Had he felt abandoned? He'd chased after Jacob while his own anger was still hot when he probably should have given him space instead.]

That's a long way to go for me to get to 'I'm sorry.'

You and me both love.

[ It's said easily, a confession of truth and understanding, because Jacob feels so much of that himself.]

It's not easy. None of us are born with everything we need and learning it is bloody hard. You do a better job than me of making peace. I... I should have come to you sooner. But I was... you know how I am. When you told me you cared for Sims the other day, before... I think in part that was half the reason I wanted to go smack him.

[ Damn the jealousy in him. He hoped he was doing better, he really did. But then some curve ball hits him and he's back to the beginning again, wondering why he isn't good enough.]

I'm sorry too. It was... the whole thing was a fucking mess. I was fighting shadows that weren't there and then I was fighting you and you and never want to do that. I don't want to lose you again. Ever.

And especially not because I'm a bloody fool.

It is bit of a mess.

[Chris chuckles. Yes, he knew how Jacob was, if he'd known there might even be cause for jealousy, he might have handled it better, but the thought hadn't crossed his mind.

What did cross his mind was something Kallian had told him once...and it seemed apt now.

He pulls his arms away from himself and crosses to just out of reach of Jacob and offers a hand out to him.]

But you know what you do with messes? You clean them up. You're not like to lose me, Jacob. I'll not let us do that twice.

[Jacob's breathing stills as Chris steps forward, expecting him to be unwinding his arms to make that promised punch, but it becomes clear very quickly that Chris is not winding up for that, the tension in his shoulders isn't right for trying to swing a punch. So Jacob lets out a breath- he'd have taken the punch, if it had come, but he's glad it didn't. Instead, he takes Chris' hand.]

Tidying up after myself... hasn't ever been one of my strong suits. But I think if you let me know where I need to start, I'll do my best to make it right.

[He appreciates Chris may not think much of that offer, but Jacob can't make a promise that he doesn't think he can keep. He doesn't have the answers right now, he doesn't know what he needs to learn, or un-learn, to be better, but he will try to find out, if Chris can be patient with him.

He hopes he will, he hopes Chris knows how much he means to Jacob, even if, as yet, he hasn't asked. Maybe he doesn't want to. Maybe right now, it's best left alone, until they're no more solid ground again. The fact that Chris knows Jacob wants to do better, to keep this, maybe that says enough.]

[He keeps his grip around Jacob's hand tight. Not to the point of painful, but tight enough to keep him from vanishing like some part in the static feels is still possible. He knows it's not, but knowing and feeling are two different things.

He's...keenly aware Jacob's not said what Chris had assumed he would. Of course, he's not pressing either. Maybe it's for the best he doesn't, not yet. He hadn't even wanted to see the possibility his perception of Jacob's feelings was wrong before, he was probably as ready to hear it as Jacob was to say it.

Besides...a more treacherous part of him reasoned that a few days of cooling emotions and tensions and Jacob's fear of losing him, might allow the feeling to cool as well. To prove it didn't actually run as deep as Jacob thought. That doesn't mean Chris can't be a masochist.]

Let's see...well, there's this saying you see, in the Moonsea, something to the effect of kissing a hurt to make it better. Suppose you could start there.

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