chrisisofaith | IC Contact

He's quiet for that and simply keeps his hold on her tight enough to feel like she could fall apart nd still keep her shape. There weren't proper words for things like this, for a feeling of loss so deep. At least, back home, there was some chance of finding a loved one on the other side of the veil. There wasn't even that assurance here.

They were simply gone.

Cinder, Nate, Nick, Crais, Anduin, Lux.

He takes a shuddering breath and then finds an even pace for focusing on his breathing. Something for her to follow when she was ready. At least until she offered those few words like shattering glass. "I think she knew. You love just as fiercely."

Knowing it and saying it are so different. For years, Amelia has loved the man who was her second, but she couldn't tell Aloïs until Candleglow. Couldn't open her mouth to speak the truth when she was so determined to be who and what she was before. Even if she loves fiercely and shows it, it's not the same.

Even if Cinder wouldn't have said it, if none of her closest friends would say it, she's failed them in this. It should be so easy, and yet she's failed them.

She shakes her head a little, pulling back briefly as she wipes at her eyes. "It's not the same. It's not." Her shoulders continue to shake as she tries to steady her breathing. She has to stop this, to catch herself before her mind strays too far. Chris may think he can catch her, but he can't catch that, and she knows it. Not when he's like this. Not when she knows how dark and deep these thoughts go.

They both know where it goes. They've seen it in painful clarity. It doesn't end well, and she will not force that on him again now.

"I-I have to do... better for everyone." To be more honest with them. To stop hiding so much. It continues to fuck her over every time she is, but if it's the difference between this and knowing Cinder had heard her say it, just once, she'll make the effort. She has to. Everyone she cares for, that she loves in some way or another, deserves that.

She's silent for another few moments, still struggling to breathe again, but she holds tight to him to show she's not trying to run the way she desperately wants to. "I love you, Chris. I need you to hear it from my lips." Just in case. Just... to be safe.

'I have to do better for everyone.' It's so stark and reminds him of the lights in a way he doesn't want to think too closely on. Not when he knows how easily they'd made an echo chamber of their minds. They were too similar in some terrible ways. This was one of them.

He could feel what she was feeling even without being in her mind. That urge to be better, do better, for those around you because they are better...and deserve more than you might usually give them. Cause what you usually give them simply isn't enough. It's not easy...but she was working on it. That was the hardest step, in his experience. The slow shift from what you're used to into something better for them.

He continues to keep his breathing even. "I love you too...and I know you'll get there. I know you'll do better, I've faith in you and what you're set to. For now, just breathe. When you've got your breath, we'll figure out the rest."

There's much more here than either of them can deal with, at least immediately. Amelia knows she could do more here to allay what fears either or both of them have, but it... also seems like a thing that they shouldn't do. Something to be avoided while Chris is still raw and recovering from yesterday, and the both of them are reeling from the shock of losing one of their friends.

She knows how this goes for them. She knows the way their minds work. It's best to leave things as they are. If they still haven't spoken about the lights, how could they begin to speak about the way they handle moments like this?

Someday, somehow, she'll manage that conversation. If she could face talking to Wolfe about Tumenalia, and the ways they both hurt one another and lost their agency, she can face this conversation with Chris, too.

But not today.

Her tears stop long before her breathing evens out, and eventually her hold on him loosens to allow him space. She turns a small smile up at him, not minding that her face is a mess or that her eyes are red. He promised to stand here, to let her run this through, and there's no hiding the aftermath of it.

"Thank you." It's not enough, but it's a start when her mouth is dry and her hands are shaky. "I needed to do this in safety, and you gave me that."

When she releases him, it eases some of the hum in his skin and distance would do more, but he's loathe to pull away completely. He just lets his arms fall and resists the urge to magically clean her face. Sometimes doing something manually was part of the process.

He pulls on a quiet smile. "You're welcome. You made me feel safe last night, least I can ever hope to do is offer you the same whenever you need it." That's what being in a party was, right?

"Come on, splash some water on your face, I'll warm up the tea...and we can figure out who needs to know next or if there's anything to check in on. I think you'll feel better with a plan."

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