Lord Chris Sonom (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
chrisisofaith) wrote2020-08-20 12:31 pm
chrisisofaith) wrote2020-08-20 12:31 pm
IC Contact
UN: ravens
You've reached Chris Sonom, previously of Melvaunt Deismyr, please leave a message.
[He's...back outside. He has his clothes and his jacket again, he feels more like himself but still...
He doesn't know.
He wants to talk to Jon. He wants to go to work and cook dinner and even hang out with the animals. He wants to feel like he isn't simply pretending to have himself together. But he should, he needs to. He can't let this topple him, so he won't. A king doesn't...
A king doesn't pick fights with guards. A king maintains his dignity. A king is anything but Chris Sonom. He's made this circle before and he'll make it again before the day is done. Jacob's trying to keep his attention, and it is working, but Chris insisted on some time alone. Mostly for his assassin to get out and check on his places and people. Yet even once he's left, Chris feels...too alone. He keeps staring off into space and losing time like he had after the pit and he doesn't know what to do about it.
The text sound startles him a little, but it's a welcome interruption. At least until he sees the name and his stomach can't decide what it's doing anymore. He pushes Amelia's words under the feeling of guilt that rises up and clings to that instead.]
Hey
Would have likely helped more if I'd slept more than a handful of minutes at a time.
Have you recovered from your mana imbalance? You were really out of it.
He doesn't know.
He wants to talk to Jon. He wants to go to work and cook dinner and even hang out with the animals. He wants to feel like he isn't simply pretending to have himself together. But he should, he needs to. He can't let this topple him, so he won't. A king doesn't...
A king doesn't pick fights with guards. A king maintains his dignity. A king is anything but Chris Sonom. He's made this circle before and he'll make it again before the day is done. Jacob's trying to keep his attention, and it is working, but Chris insisted on some time alone. Mostly for his assassin to get out and check on his places and people. Yet even once he's left, Chris feels...too alone. He keeps staring off into space and losing time like he had after the pit and he doesn't know what to do about it.
The text sound startles him a little, but it's a welcome interruption. At least until he sees the name and his stomach can't decide what it's doing anymore. He pushes Amelia's words under the feeling of guilt that rises up and clings to that instead.]
Hey
Would have likely helped more if I'd slept more than a handful of minutes at a time.
Have you recovered from your mana imbalance? You were really out of it.
[He does, at least, put some thought to it.]
There's a black and green sweater in my closet. And one of the daggers on my dresser, the one you gave me is among them. Pick one, please.
Just some clothes. I've nothing in my drawers or cabinet that ought to offend you, it's the decretive boxes you need to avoid.
And the book by my bed. There's a bag hanging by the trapdoor that you can put it all in.
There's a black and green sweater in my closet. And one of the daggers on my dresser, the one you gave me is among them. Pick one, please.
Just some clothes. I've nothing in my drawers or cabinet that ought to offend you, it's the decretive boxes you need to avoid.
And the book by my bed. There's a bag hanging by the trapdoor that you can put it all in.
[ Alright. That's... Well not good that he didn't get any sleep but that he's not hiding things. He could have just waved him off with some platitude or other and then he'd know he'd misstepped, but this is normal. As normal as one can be after an experience like Chris had.
He winces at the pointed comment about him being out of it. He'd been told by both Chris and Amelia to watch himself and he did, really. He watched himself sail right past his boundaries and directly into overtaxed like he'd had an invitation. He'd not given it a second thought last night. Hadn't cared. Still isn't sure he does as that mana was well used, but he can at least be remorseful for worrying others.]
Nothing rest couldn't fix.
Don't be jealous but I slept like the dead.
[ Should he be making jokes? Probably not but it's fine. ]
I am sorry.
For worrying you and putting more to fret about on you. Andraste knows you have enough as it is.
I wasn't in a state to be able to keep it off you and I feel like I
[ Like I failed you. Like I could have been what you needed in that moment and I acted like an idiot instead. Like even still I can't find the words or the actions that will somehow make this better. ]
I acted stupidly.
Let me make it up to you? Anything you want.
He winces at the pointed comment about him being out of it. He'd been told by both Chris and Amelia to watch himself and he did, really. He watched himself sail right past his boundaries and directly into overtaxed like he'd had an invitation. He'd not given it a second thought last night. Hadn't cared. Still isn't sure he does as that mana was well used, but he can at least be remorseful for worrying others.]
Nothing rest couldn't fix.
Don't be jealous but I slept like the dead.
[ Should he be making jokes? Probably not but it's fine. ]
I am sorry.
For worrying you and putting more to fret about on you. Andraste knows you have enough as it is.
I wasn't in a state to be able to keep it off you and I feel like I
[ Like I failed you. Like I could have been what you needed in that moment and I acted like an idiot instead. Like even still I can't find the words or the actions that will somehow make this better. ]
I acted stupidly.
Let me make it up to you? Anything you want.
[A full list? She'll take it. It'll be easy enough to gather everything with a bag available to her there.]
I'll save us both the embarrassment and not dig overly.
If you think of anything else in the next two hours, send me a message. I'll be about the Up in that time. Safely and quietly. As indiscreet as I can be.
[That feels like something important to mention, given the circumstances.]
I'll save us both the embarrassment and not dig overly.
If you think of anything else in the next two hours, send me a message. I'll be about the Up in that time. Safely and quietly. As indiscreet as I can be.
[That feels like something important to mention, given the circumstances.]
[He gives a small smile to his phone for the silly joke, but it fades quickly enough at the rest.
This wasn't right. Hawke shouldn't be apologizing, he leaned on Chris and Chris should be strong enough to handle it.
It tangles in him.]
Apology not accepted because you have nothing to apologize for.
You did all of that for me.
This wasn't right. Hawke shouldn't be apologizing, he leaned on Chris and Chris should be strong enough to handle it.
It tangles in him.]
Apology not accepted because you have nothing to apologize for.
You did all of that for me.
[A quip about not being embarrassed runs through his head, something about offering a full inventory if she wanted, but he doesn't have the energy to type it.
Instead, he can feel some dregs of worry rise into his throat, but he doesn't type anything about that either.]
Thank you.
[His fingers hover over the keyboard a moment, his thumb pressed to the letter T longer than he needs. He shouldn't ask for anything more than basics. Clothing. Safety. Something to do while he does...nothing.
That choking feeling grows a little tighter as he types the letter 'H' next. It's slow going but he eventually forces each letter out of himself, like they're pressing from his bramble-filled throat after all.]
There's a stuffed raven on the bed
Instead, he can feel some dregs of worry rise into his throat, but he doesn't type anything about that either.]
Thank you.
[His fingers hover over the keyboard a moment, his thumb pressed to the letter T longer than he needs. He shouldn't ask for anything more than basics. Clothing. Safety. Something to do while he does...nothing.
That choking feeling grows a little tighter as he types the letter 'H' next. It's slow going but he eventually forces each letter out of himself, like they're pressing from his bramble-filled throat after all.]
There's a stuffed raven on the bed
I do
But I'm not going to argue with you about it
I'd not insist you lean on me when you're not yet ready, but the rest of it? Someone had to.
[ That much he needs Chris to know. None of it was a hardship or even required much thought as to if he should. Healing beyond what he was called for (he's still sorry he's not better at it, then maybe it wouldn't scar. He knows Chris is as vain as he is and he finds it endearing), trying to put Chris in a position to be vulnerable somewhere safe (Hawke had failed that, but he would try a thousand times to get it right), cold blooded murder (torture, really, but he couldn't let it be quick, not for what they'd done), he'd revisit all of it and walk the same steps because Chris is worth all of it. The heartache, the risk of getting caught, and the plaguing far away voice of his father telling him over and again magic is not for that which is base, like murder. Like revenge.
Doesn't matter. His friends are everything. Chris is everything. ]
I'd do again in a heartbeat.
But I'm not going to argue with you about it
I'd not insist you lean on me when you're not yet ready, but the rest of it? Someone had to.
[ That much he needs Chris to know. None of it was a hardship or even required much thought as to if he should. Healing beyond what he was called for (he's still sorry he's not better at it, then maybe it wouldn't scar. He knows Chris is as vain as he is and he finds it endearing), trying to put Chris in a position to be vulnerable somewhere safe (Hawke had failed that, but he would try a thousand times to get it right), cold blooded murder (torture, really, but he couldn't let it be quick, not for what they'd done), he'd revisit all of it and walk the same steps because Chris is worth all of it. The heartache, the risk of getting caught, and the plaguing far away voice of his father telling him over and again magic is not for that which is base, like murder. Like revenge.
Doesn't matter. His friends are everything. Chris is everything. ]
I'd do again in a heartbeat.
[She's out the door by the time his message about the raven arrives, dressed fully nonchalant in jeans, a black turtleneck, ankle boots, and with her hair braided down her back over a black wool peacoat she picked up after starting at The Crucible. It's a surprisingly soft ask, and it makes her smile as she slips down back alleys and avoids majorly trafficked streets to get to Marzipan Terrace.
A half hour later, once she has a pile of things set aside for him, she takes a picture of the raven sticking out of the bag he mentioned.]
On the way to you. Hold a little longer. We'll be there soon.
[She only has one more stop to make for a jar of her favorite tea, a gift for him and something for them to share that he can put his hands to making once she arrives.]
A half hour later, once she has a pile of things set aside for him, she takes a picture of the raven sticking out of the bag he mentioned.]
On the way to you. Hold a little longer. We'll be there soon.
[She only has one more stop to make for a jar of her favorite tea, a gift for him and something for them to share that he can put his hands to making once she arrives.]
I don't need to lean on you
[It's out of him before he thinks twice and he winces for it. Hawke deserved better than his sharp edges. He shouldn't be having sharp edges.]
I'm sorry, that came out wrong. I'm alright.
I appreciate what you did for me, I just wish it hadn't come with cost to you and, more so, that I hadn't upset you and Amelia.
I'm glad you were there for each other.
[It's out of him before he thinks twice and he winces for it. Hawke deserved better than his sharp edges. He shouldn't be having sharp edges.]
I'm sorry, that came out wrong. I'm alright.
I appreciate what you did for me, I just wish it hadn't come with cost to you and, more so, that I hadn't upset you and Amelia.
I'm glad you were there for each other.
[He gives a quiet scoff to himself as he makes to set the kettle on for her arrival. 'We're' like the silly thing was sentient and not simply a teasing gift from an Archivist looking to rankle him and failing.
He shouldn't indulge her, especially with what Jon had told him about the toy's inherited name a couple months ago...but maybe it would help her. Or at least help the image she had of him right now.]
I put the kettle on, hopefully Jacob's got some tea you'll like.
His name is Topher. He was a present.
He shouldn't indulge her, especially with what Jon had told him about the toy's inherited name a couple months ago...but maybe it would help her. Or at least help the image she had of him right now.]
I put the kettle on, hopefully Jacob's got some tea you'll like.
His name is Topher. He was a present.
Topher. I'll remember that.
I was planning to pick some up on my way as well. He can keep it if he finds he likes it.
Not long now. Tea, and then straight to the Hollow.
[Only... she takes far longer to arrive than she should. What was supposed to be a quick text to Cinder has... had other effects, ones she's desperate to hide. If what's happened is real, if Cinder has... if she's...
No. There's no time. Chris needs her. She'll focus on that. Everything else can wait, tears and anguish included.
She's a little pale when she arrives, her smile tired but warm and her arms open to him the second he steps outside to greet her.] Sorry for the delay. I had to take a long way around a few streets to avoid a patrol and some birds, but I avoided being seen.
I was planning to pick some up on my way as well. He can keep it if he finds he likes it.
Not long now. Tea, and then straight to the Hollow.
[Only... she takes far longer to arrive than she should. What was supposed to be a quick text to Cinder has... had other effects, ones she's desperate to hide. If what's happened is real, if Cinder has... if she's...
No. There's no time. Chris needs her. She'll focus on that. Everything else can wait, tears and anguish included.
She's a little pale when she arrives, her smile tired but warm and her arms open to him the second he steps outside to greet her.] Sorry for the delay. I had to take a long way around a few streets to avoid a patrol and some birds, but I avoided being seen.
[ Hawke nearly tells Chris off for that but instead just sighs and gives himself a moment before responding. He doesn't normally have to think so hard to just talk to someone, let alone Chris, but where they'd have an easy time of it normally he's very conscious of what's happened. It's barely been a day, of course Chris is going to be a bit rough. He's terrible at leaning on people even at the best of times, a trait they have in common and probably what made it so easy to be able to do that before.
This is different. ]
I know.
You're strong as anything, Chris. I know you don't need to.
But if you want to, I'm here.
There's been no cost to me. I don't know what you think's been paid, but it's nothing I wouldn't gladly do without for your safety and peace of mind.
This is different. ]
I know.
You're strong as anything, Chris. I know you don't need to.
But if you want to, I'm here.
There's been no cost to me. I don't know what you think's been paid, but it's nothing I wouldn't gladly do without for your safety and peace of mind.
He takes her kiss openly, threading his fingers into her hair to cradle the back of her head. It's a slow thing, no less full of passion but instead of a forceful tumble into it he leads her through it with care and sweetness. With a gentleness so unlike Tumenalia, unlike the cave as well. He holds her like she's precious - because she's precious - and resolves to show her exactly the softness he's found lacking in her life that she so rightly deserves.
One arm around her waist, he pulls her against him, sliding her into his lap as he rolls his tongue lazily against hers, in no hurry and finding new sensation in his current state. She tastes like love and he couldn't tell you what that would translate to if he wasn't crosswired, but it's the perfect flavor and he leans into her for more, making soft needy sounds against her lips.
One arm around her waist, he pulls her against him, sliding her into his lap as he rolls his tongue lazily against hers, in no hurry and finding new sensation in his current state. She tastes like love and he couldn't tell you what that would translate to if he wasn't crosswired, but it's the perfect flavor and he leans into her for more, making soft needy sounds against her lips.
It's overwhelming, feeling him and wanting him, and having it all given to her so slowly. Why isn't it fast? Shouldn't it be? To drive her wild by touching the rest of her slowly she understands, but this is new. Wonderful, yet terrifying at the same time.
She follows his tug, holding nothing back from him as she presses the whole of herself to him as best she can, lips parted and tongue seeking-- something, anything to explain this feeling. Her fingers dig into him, not harshly but to give herself some stability, to keep her mind from drifting so far as to convince her this is some dream or fantasy she never dared entertain until he kissed her like this and meant it.
Her mantle is gone, the Shadow Mistress returned to shadows, but she can't let go of the tension in her chest. He loves her, and she him, but this is... it feels so... at war with what she knows, with everything she's ever had. What if she does this wrong? What if she pushes and it's too far? Will he still love her then? Will it send him fleeing?
Darker thoughts take hold enough to affect her breathing, causing her to break away from their latest kiss. She presses her forehead to his, eyes closed to keep him from seeing the redness in them. "I need a moment," she whispers between pants. "I'm-- I'm fine, but I need..." Something. She doesn't know what. She swallows hard and exhales a shaky breath.
"I'm all right." Maybe if she says it enough, her body will believe her. "Let me catch my breath, then... then everything."
She follows his tug, holding nothing back from him as she presses the whole of herself to him as best she can, lips parted and tongue seeking-- something, anything to explain this feeling. Her fingers dig into him, not harshly but to give herself some stability, to keep her mind from drifting so far as to convince her this is some dream or fantasy she never dared entertain until he kissed her like this and meant it.
Her mantle is gone, the Shadow Mistress returned to shadows, but she can't let go of the tension in her chest. He loves her, and she him, but this is... it feels so... at war with what she knows, with everything she's ever had. What if she does this wrong? What if she pushes and it's too far? Will he still love her then? Will it send him fleeing?
Darker thoughts take hold enough to affect her breathing, causing her to break away from their latest kiss. She presses her forehead to his, eyes closed to keep him from seeing the redness in them. "I need a moment," she whispers between pants. "I'm-- I'm fine, but I need..." Something. She doesn't know what. She swallows hard and exhales a shaky breath.
"I'm all right." Maybe if she says it enough, her body will believe her. "Let me catch my breath, then... then everything."
[Hawke telling him he’s strong shouldn’t feel like sandpaper. It should be proof he’s managing to keep himself together.
Except he’s not, is he? He’s trying too hard…or simply failing. Chris stares out at the trees before he even tries to answer. If only he didn’t feel so small.
For now, he can focus on the easier part.]
your mana, your peace of mind, your safety.
Most importantly, I upset you and Amelia when I showed up. She shut down again and you made that face you make when you’re weathering someone you have little patience for.
Except he’s not, is he? He’s trying too hard…or simply failing. Chris stares out at the trees before he even tries to answer. If only he didn’t feel so small.
For now, he can focus on the easier part.]
your mana, your peace of mind, your safety.
Most importantly, I upset you and Amelia when I showed up. She shut down again and you made that face you make when you’re weathering someone you have little patience for.
Of course it was upsetting.
Maker's balls, Chris, if I'd been out and about again so soon after the same you'd have Gated me back without my say so.
[ He types without thinking, words coming easily now even if they're not exactly what he maybe should be saying, but at least it's real. Honest. He couldn't just sit here and give platitudes. Not to Chris. ]
I appreciate you want me safe and at peace but I seem to recall you being the one to tell me it's unkind to assume someone's not willing to pay a price for what they care about.
You're what.
Not just for me, but for Amelia too, so maybe accept you're loved and that seeing you struggle isn't something I can stand idly by and watch.
Flames, I know you're going to be alright but you can't just jump to that part without seeing to the way there.
Maker's balls, Chris, if I'd been out and about again so soon after the same you'd have Gated me back without my say so.
[ He types without thinking, words coming easily now even if they're not exactly what he maybe should be saying, but at least it's real. Honest. He couldn't just sit here and give platitudes. Not to Chris. ]
I appreciate you want me safe and at peace but I seem to recall you being the one to tell me it's unkind to assume someone's not willing to pay a price for what they care about.
You're what.
Not just for me, but for Amelia too, so maybe accept you're loved and that seeing you struggle isn't something I can stand idly by and watch.
Flames, I know you're going to be alright but you can't just jump to that part without seeing to the way there.
[He can taste how he would have been angry before. Indignant. Defensive. It’s a ghost of a flavor on his tongue now as he stares down at his phone.
Hawke is right. Of course he is. If this were reversed, he’d be just as frustrated and probably less patient over all. Hawke’s trying to be respectful, but all people have their limits.
He looks back to the trees.
He can’t wallow in self-pity. That makes him a hypocrite. He can’t bolster himself with the armor of his own expectations, or he’s called a fraud or avoidant, even in more kindly terms.
If he feels nothing, then that’s what he is, like a yawning chasm under his feet.
He types mechanically.]
I was talking about your relationship with Amelia. I made her feel insecure and doubtful. I made her shut down.
You’re right, I shouldn’t have left the house.
I’ve already spoken with her, but you’re owed your own apology.
Hawke is right. Of course he is. If this were reversed, he’d be just as frustrated and probably less patient over all. Hawke’s trying to be respectful, but all people have their limits.
He looks back to the trees.
He can’t wallow in self-pity. That makes him a hypocrite. He can’t bolster himself with the armor of his own expectations, or he’s called a fraud or avoidant, even in more kindly terms.
If he feels nothing, then that’s what he is, like a yawning chasm under his feet.
He types mechanically.]
I was talking about your relationship with Amelia. I made her feel insecure and doubtful. I made her shut down.
You’re right, I shouldn’t have left the house.
I’ve already spoken with her, but you’re owed your own apology.
[ You're right. He can hear it instead of reading it, Chris' flat tone coming across as he uses when he's not sure what else to say. He'd used it maybe once before with him though he can't place where and it puts a knot of fear in the pit of his stomach.
He starts walking. ]
You don't owe me a bloody thing.
My relationship with Amelia is fine. You appearing suddenly isn't going to throw us into chaos and I don't know how you came to that conclusion.
You were worried, of course you'd come to find us.
I'm just trying to understand now what wrong you think you've actually committed because I don't think we're talking about the same thing.
He starts walking. ]
You don't owe me a bloody thing.
My relationship with Amelia is fine. You appearing suddenly isn't going to throw us into chaos and I don't know how you came to that conclusion.
You were worried, of course you'd come to find us.
I'm just trying to understand now what wrong you think you've actually committed because I don't think we're talking about the same thing.
Edited (Typo) 2023-02-21 06:45 (UTC)
[You don’t owe me a bloody thing.
I don’t know how you came to that conclusion.
I don’t think we’re talking about the same thing
It was t just his mouth that was useless for words.
It’s always the same spot his eyes go to when he looks at the trees. There’s a small knot in one of the closer ones. It looks like an eye.
He lets out a sigh and something cold filters through him.]
Amelia told me I threw her off and surprised her when I kissed you in thanks.
It doesn’t matter, as I said, I talked with her. I simply wished to offer the same apology, but if that’s presumptuous, then forget I mentioned it.
I don’t know what else you’re expecting to hear from me, but my words seem to be jumbled or misconstrued, so perhaps now isn’t the time to answer anything. Thank you for checking in with me, Wolfe
I don’t know how you came to that conclusion.
I don’t think we’re talking about the same thing
It was t just his mouth that was useless for words.
It’s always the same spot his eyes go to when he looks at the trees. There’s a small knot in one of the closer ones. It looks like an eye.
He lets out a sigh and something cold filters through him.]
Amelia told me I threw her off and surprised her when I kissed you in thanks.
It doesn’t matter, as I said, I talked with her. I simply wished to offer the same apology, but if that’s presumptuous, then forget I mentioned it.
I don’t know what else you’re expecting to hear from me, but my words seem to be jumbled or misconstrued, so perhaps now isn’t the time to answer anything. Thank you for checking in with me, Wolfe
[ He can't leave it like that. Chris withdrawing and himself causing it and no Amelia this time to keep the peace. When had he lost that ability? When had he not been able to reach out and have Chris understand and meet him halfway?
But that's unfair. Chris is not alright. He wants to be, he's trying to be, but there's no clear path from something like this to being better. Maybe it's that he didn't go through it too this time. The Pit - because this feels like after the Pit - was a shared misery and this is Chris' alone.
Fuck that.
He's not thinking of what Chris texted last when he comes up on the Hollow. He's not stopping to think of why Amelia would be surprised when she knows full well he has a physical relationship with Chris. He's thinking of how he said it. Long formal words with more letters to put distance between them. ]
That's not how this works.
[ He's running now, maybe trying to outrun his frustration, maybe running to Chris before it feels like it's too late, or maybe just running to get there that much faster but he doesn't send another text until he's outside the front door, skipping the bell and giving the door three heavy raps with the side of his fist.
If he's not answered within a few minutes, that's when he sends another message. ]
Open the door.
But that's unfair. Chris is not alright. He wants to be, he's trying to be, but there's no clear path from something like this to being better. Maybe it's that he didn't go through it too this time. The Pit - because this feels like after the Pit - was a shared misery and this is Chris' alone.
Fuck that.
He's not thinking of what Chris texted last when he comes up on the Hollow. He's not stopping to think of why Amelia would be surprised when she knows full well he has a physical relationship with Chris. He's thinking of how he said it. Long formal words with more letters to put distance between them. ]
That's not how this works.
[ He's running now, maybe trying to outrun his frustration, maybe running to Chris before it feels like it's too late, or maybe just running to get there that much faster but he doesn't send another text until he's outside the front door, skipping the bell and giving the door three heavy raps with the side of his fist.
If he's not answered within a few minutes, that's when he sends another message. ]
Open the door.
[He sees ‘That’s not how this works’ and in one, brief, searing, flash of emotion, anger tears through him.
He types out “Tell me how this fucking works, then, since you have all the answers” but he doesn’t press send.
He grits his teeth and lets the flash fire calm before deleting the words. He doesn’t have time to consider new ones before the vague sound of footfalls in the cold silence and distant knocking bring him up short. Was that the front door?
His phone pings and he sighs, the tiredness falling heavy around his shoulders once more.]
I’m on the back porch
He types out “Tell me how this fucking works, then, since you have all the answers” but he doesn’t press send.
He grits his teeth and lets the flash fire calm before deleting the words. He doesn’t have time to consider new ones before the vague sound of footfalls in the cold silence and distant knocking bring him up short. Was that the front door?
His phone pings and he sighs, the tiredness falling heavy around his shoulders once more.]
I’m on the back porch
It's not long before Hawke appears around the corner of the house. His hair is tousled and he's dressed in muted colors, though more appropriately for the weather than the night before. Black jeans and a green Henley, unbuttoned at the top, with his fur-collared anorak over it. He strides over and climbs the short steps up to Chris. Or intends to, anyway. He stops short with his foot on the porch but the other still on the step below, looking up at his friend with deep-seated worry and not a zero sum of undirected frustration.
"'Presumptuous'? Really? 'Misconstrued'?" His expression turns wry and he leans against the short rail, folding his arms. He keeps himself that step below Chris, looking up at him and not crowding because if he does now he might not ever let go.
It occurred to him, in a handful of seconds it took him to get here and around the back of the house, that Chris still called him Wolfe in that message. It's a silly thing to notice, maybe sillier to hang meaning on, but if Chris is still willing to call him Wolfe then nothing feels unsalvageable.
He lets out a long breath, visible in the afternoon air not because of his stress but simply for the ambiant cold this time.
"You didn't do anything wrong. Not besides trying to clam up." He examines Chris' expression, trying to see past the turmoil and the tiredness into what he can do to actually help. What does Chris need that he's not saying? Denying himself out of a sense of Maker knows what. Pride? Shame?
Frowning, he walks the rest of the way onto the porch and goes to wrap his arms around the cleric, telegraphing the movement obviously not so Chris can escape, though he does run that risk, but so he knows it's coming. "I don't know why you think a kiss is going to get between Amelia and I, but I need you to drop that notion. She and I have our own things to work through, but affection for and from other people isn't one of them. Stop borrowing worries, Heart. You've enough of your own."
If allowed, he kisses the side of Chris' head. He doesn't know if he should but right in this moment he does not care.
"'Presumptuous'? Really? 'Misconstrued'?" His expression turns wry and he leans against the short rail, folding his arms. He keeps himself that step below Chris, looking up at him and not crowding because if he does now he might not ever let go.
It occurred to him, in a handful of seconds it took him to get here and around the back of the house, that Chris still called him Wolfe in that message. It's a silly thing to notice, maybe sillier to hang meaning on, but if Chris is still willing to call him Wolfe then nothing feels unsalvageable.
He lets out a long breath, visible in the afternoon air not because of his stress but simply for the ambiant cold this time.
"You didn't do anything wrong. Not besides trying to clam up." He examines Chris' expression, trying to see past the turmoil and the tiredness into what he can do to actually help. What does Chris need that he's not saying? Denying himself out of a sense of Maker knows what. Pride? Shame?
Frowning, he walks the rest of the way onto the porch and goes to wrap his arms around the cleric, telegraphing the movement obviously not so Chris can escape, though he does run that risk, but so he knows it's coming. "I don't know why you think a kiss is going to get between Amelia and I, but I need you to drop that notion. She and I have our own things to work through, but affection for and from other people isn't one of them. Stop borrowing worries, Heart. You've enough of your own."
If allowed, he kisses the side of Chris' head. He doesn't know if he should but right in this moment he does not care.
[She takes...a concerning amount of time. Enough so that, by the time she has arrived, he's nearly set to pacing, mind running circles on possibilities and outcomes and plans of action he's not sure he needs until- she's at the door and pale but there and the panic that had started to clamp down on his throat loosens by degrees.
Her arms open and he's in them in moments, his own hold tight for all of his fear. He takes a breath and steps back again after a moment to fold it all back down.]
So long as you're safe. Come in, water's likely still hot and you look a bit closer to death than I'd like.
Her arms open and he's in them in moments, his own hold tight for all of his fear. He takes a breath and steps back again after a moment to fold it all back down.]
So long as you're safe. Come in, water's likely still hot and you look a bit closer to death than I'd like.
Chris has his leather jacket back on, at least, and his own black jeans and loose shirt, a small comfort compared to borrowing Jacob's clothing and feeling a bit like a child in things meant for a broader form than his. The jumper had been nice, it had reminded him of when Jacob had taken his off his own back and put it on Chris' shivering form after being fished from the wreckage of the Tempest.
Gods, was this even as bad as questioning his own place in life and if he was truly alive? Was it as bad as the pit? He really did need to pull himself together, he's been through worse, this shouldn't shake him. Wasn't letting it shake him exactly what he'd told himself he wouldn't do just so they couldn't win over him?
The thoughts swirl vaguely in his mind with Hawke now climbing up to him and pausing. Chris meets his rhetorical questions of word choice with political neutrality and quiet, though the hug and following words threaten to break it. Is that what he needed? Wouldn't it have been nice to have simply laid around in Hawke's arms a bit as he had Jacob's yesterday? Now it feels like the time for that has passed with everything else. Amelia's words sift through everything else and he finds himself torn. If he explains what she said, maybe he'll feel less like Hawke thinks he's crazy, maybe he can point out why he can't just let himself curl into the mage's hold as he'd like. But, if he does, he'll have to process it all and that sounds like...too much.
That was the answer. Not the guise of a king no one believed of him, not some weepy victim he refused to be, he should have fought to just be aggressively himself. Normal. He just needed to find that feeling again and turn it into a coat he could put on until it felt like a proper fit once more.
He doesn't lean away from the affection, but his eyes close for a moment, letting it wash through him before he bothers an attempt at words. "Consider it dropped, then. I obviously misunderstood her concerns. You didn't have to run here, I wasn't going anywhere." He pulls back to look up and offer a smile that feels like the right fit and it's...not as hard to manage as he'd feared. Yes, he can do this.
"I've had you more worried than you've need to be. I just need more sleep, I think, but I'll be alright."
Not really a lie on any front. That was how he was going to be able to shape this around him.
Gods, was this even as bad as questioning his own place in life and if he was truly alive? Was it as bad as the pit? He really did need to pull himself together, he's been through worse, this shouldn't shake him. Wasn't letting it shake him exactly what he'd told himself he wouldn't do just so they couldn't win over him?
The thoughts swirl vaguely in his mind with Hawke now climbing up to him and pausing. Chris meets his rhetorical questions of word choice with political neutrality and quiet, though the hug and following words threaten to break it. Is that what he needed? Wouldn't it have been nice to have simply laid around in Hawke's arms a bit as he had Jacob's yesterday? Now it feels like the time for that has passed with everything else. Amelia's words sift through everything else and he finds himself torn. If he explains what she said, maybe he'll feel less like Hawke thinks he's crazy, maybe he can point out why he can't just let himself curl into the mage's hold as he'd like. But, if he does, he'll have to process it all and that sounds like...too much.
That was the answer. Not the guise of a king no one believed of him, not some weepy victim he refused to be, he should have fought to just be aggressively himself. Normal. He just needed to find that feeling again and turn it into a coat he could put on until it felt like a proper fit once more.
He doesn't lean away from the affection, but his eyes close for a moment, letting it wash through him before he bothers an attempt at words. "Consider it dropped, then. I obviously misunderstood her concerns. You didn't have to run here, I wasn't going anywhere." He pulls back to look up and offer a smile that feels like the right fit and it's...not as hard to manage as he'd feared. Yes, he can do this.
"I've had you more worried than you've need to be. I just need more sleep, I think, but I'll be alright."
Not really a lie on any front. That was how he was going to be able to shape this around him.
"Yes I did." This feels like it should be more right but there are little things still amiss. Chris doesn't pull away but he doesn't lean into him like he had yesterday either. He smiles and it's not fake but it still seems forced. Not so hard as to be obvious, but something in it is practiced rather than felt. His tone is careful, not in the way Hawke would expect given he's seen to Chris after some terrible things. Careful to hold it in, careful to avoid the perceived failure of not keeping everyone from knowing that you're not alright and don't know how to get there. How can you be lost when you have so many people who care for you? Who are counting on you to be okay?
Maybe that's projecting, but he's not a stranger to those feelings himself. Far from it, they're more like an old ugly blanket you can't bring yourself to throw out because it must have been useful once and might still be despite the holes and torn edges.
"I'm going to worry anyway. You know me, big worrier." It's gentle, a rumble in his chest vibrating around the grip on his heart that has only loosened marginally from the night before. He has his arms around Chris but there's still a distance. He should let go, Chris probably just doesn't want the contact, but that kiss last night...
That wasn't someone who didn't want contact. That was someone who wanted to bury himself in it against the world and denied himself.
"Can't help it. Not when it's you. Which is silly, I know. You'll be alright, you've told me more than even just now, but I can't get past the feeling that you're retreating anyway." It's raw, maybe unfair to point it out, but he can't see any other way to push through it than to talk about it directly. Selfish of him, but that distant look on Chris' face makes his blood cold and he can't leave it.
He just can't.
Maybe that's projecting, but he's not a stranger to those feelings himself. Far from it, they're more like an old ugly blanket you can't bring yourself to throw out because it must have been useful once and might still be despite the holes and torn edges.
"I'm going to worry anyway. You know me, big worrier." It's gentle, a rumble in his chest vibrating around the grip on his heart that has only loosened marginally from the night before. He has his arms around Chris but there's still a distance. He should let go, Chris probably just doesn't want the contact, but that kiss last night...
That wasn't someone who didn't want contact. That was someone who wanted to bury himself in it against the world and denied himself.
"Can't help it. Not when it's you. Which is silly, I know. You'll be alright, you've told me more than even just now, but I can't get past the feeling that you're retreating anyway." It's raw, maybe unfair to point it out, but he can't see any other way to push through it than to talk about it directly. Selfish of him, but that distant look on Chris' face makes his blood cold and he can't leave it.
He just can't.
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