Lord Chris Sonom (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
chrisisofaith) wrote2020-08-20 12:31 pm
chrisisofaith) wrote2020-08-20 12:31 pmIC Contact
UN: ravens
You've reached Chris Sonom, previously of Melvaunt Deismyr, please leave a message.
chrisisofaith) wrote2020-08-20 12:31 pm
UN: ravens
You've reached Chris Sonom, previously of Melvaunt Deismyr, please leave a message.
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"It just struck me how I didn't want to ask for more of your time than you give freely because I thought your attention was needed for Jon. I don't... I don't want to put myself second automatically like that. This isn't the best example, I know, because Sasha was Jon's friend first but what about the next thing, and the next? There's always something happening and I can't trust myself to know when I can ask for your time and attention, or if I should. I always want you, but I somehow always assume if I ask it will be asking too much."
He doesn't think that's a problem with Chris. It's a problem with himself and just the way he is. He's only just learning that he can ask for support at all. How is he to know where those boundaries are? He's afraid of making a mistake and upsetting the balance they've found between themselves. Chris can be so sharp when he feels wronged, and he's turned that sharpness to Wolfe more than once. They always work it out, but in his grief he feels delicate and not like he can handle having that turned on him.
He's gone soft, probably. If he wasn't too soft to begin with. He doesn't think so, not after surviving everything he has, but it's hard not to second guess when he feels like an open wound wrought of loss.
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He can feel himself closing up even without intending to. Not fully…but more.
“You’re taking my decision away again…by weighing what I can or can’t give. What I can or can’t balance. By not asking, you’re deciding my answer for me. That’s how it feels to me.”
He stays how and where he’s leaned, careful not to cross his arms or even tense his hands.
“And I still don’t know what you envision as ‘too much.’ If you mean I make you my entire focus and forsake all others including Jon the rest of our days…then I’d ask how you intend to do that yourself with yours and would have to decline with all the love in my heart. If you just mean asking for support and extra attention while you’re hurting…I’m sorry I’ve given the impression I’d not offer that as easily as my next breath.” A breath he takes before the words escape him: “do you think I don’t value you?”
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Closing his eyes, Wolfe tries to sort through how he's feeling from how he thinks of it. They're at odds. He knows Chris loves him, observes it in so much of how he acts around Wolfe versus around other people. But he also knows that Jon is on his end of things as well, and when his and the Archivists needs are at odds, he'd rather step back preemptively than be told Jon's need is greater and that he has to wait.
It should be fine. He can wait, he can manage, but what he doesn't like, he realizes now, is being put second. It's one thing if he does it himself, but to be forced into that position is... His head and his heart are in concert that he doesn't want that.
"I know you said Jon's done his grieving, but if he hadn't... It felt better to me to not say anything than to ask and be turned away. I don't know what I would do with that. Probably grin and bear it, honestly, but I so seldom need that extra support so stepping back myself seems better than even the possibility of being turned down." He smiles a brittle smile at his shoe, not looking up at Chris but clearly out of embarrassment at himself than any sort of anger at his partner. "I'm sorry, I know this is one of my less endearing faults."