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[chrisisofaith]

UN: ravens

You've reached Chris Sonom, previously of Melvaunt Deismyr, please leave a message.

Comments

[midnightroads]

The dom/dom thing is pretty important. I don't want him to get into trouble because I couldn't stop myself.

[Even if it's damned clear that Artemis is also not stopping himself.]

[chrisisofaith]

[Its a failing of his here, he knows, that he isn’t as concerned about the dom/dom relationship rules, but he’s really only known one person it seriously affected. Besides…]

Cant you manage subtly and subterfuge? Many have made such things work with care. I could point you in the direction of one whose lovers back home are both doms as he is.

[midnightroads]

I know I can.

But he is as subtle as rope-burn.

[chrisisofaith]

That is very true

Alright I see it one of three ways:
-you deal with the inevitable consequences if it’s worth it to you to try

-you disengage before it becomes more and keep a warm friendship with distance

-you try and dom for him and work subtlety into your arrangement with rewards and punishments for subtlety managed or not as needed and hope that helps on more than one level

[midnightroads]

...you know, I reached out to you to try to play matchmaker for you and him, not to get advice for me. :P

[chrisisofaith]

Oh…

I’ll seduce him fine and play gentle as he likes, mission plenty accomplished there

Now what are you gonna do for you?

[midnightroads]

I want to say I'll disengage. But I already know that's not happening. Because I'm a dumbass.

[chrisisofaith]

Because you care too much and too easy, lovely.

Just be careful for both you and him. I know you will, but it deserves saying.

[midnightroads]

No such thing as caring too much. I decided years before I got here--hell, before I ever met my father--that I was going to be kind as I could be, always, every time.

[chrisisofaith]

That's not true in the slightest, there are many who care too much about big or little things. More than that, beliefs like that are like to get you hurt or stretched too thin.

You can be kind without caring quite so much about so many.

[midnightroads]

[There is an extended pause, over an hour, before the next text.]

The fact that I'm struggling with what you just said, the fact that I'm thinking like 'but what if me not caring means someone doesn't get what they need?' probably says something, huh?

[chrisisofaith]

[He’s honestly not sure he’ll get a response, but he’s pleasantly surprised when he does.]

It absolutely does. You’ve conditioned yourself to need to care for all people all the time and despite what your head may tell you, that’s not so good a thing.

I could give examples why, but perhaps it would be a better exercise to make you tell me.

[midnightroads]

You're mean.

[And that was perhaps the brattiest thing Bash has ever said in his life. Another pause, this time as he gets his ducks in a row to answer.]

1. Because I don't always let myself believe that I deserve to be cared for. I need to care for everyone, but no one needs to care for me.
2. By putting all that burden on my me, when I fail--because that's not an if, I'm not perfect and I am taking a lot onto my plate--it's gonna feel like a blow against my self-worth, which is already...uhhh.
3. I am, actually, actively, responsible for the well-being of three people in this city, myself and my submissives. I need to have something in reserve for them and can't always be stretched so thin I can't help them.
4. I keep this up, people are going to feel like they can rely on me, and I like the idea of people relying on me, but there's a point where that goes so far that they stop trying to rely on themself.

...uuuh, I miss any of the big ones?

[chrisisofaith]

Those are the big ones, I'm particularly proud of you for 1 and 3, I was going to start there. There are all good.

5. Not every person is going to be kind. It leaves you open to manipulation or use and that can hurt you or those people you love most as well.

6. If you tie your being to those around you and you lose those people for any reason, it can be harder to put yourself back together again even with help, if you even allow yourself help.

It's okay to want to be reliable, it's okay to want those you love most to rely on you. It's not okay to be everything to everyone.

[midnightroads]

#5 is a Thing, yeah. I don't really always know what to do in the face of people who don't meet me where I am in terms of 'trying not to be an asshole'.

[chrisisofaith]

Were it me, I'd gauge their usefulness against the effort needed to maintain knowing them.

I wouldn't use me as an example, however.

For you, I'd recommend cutting losses on anyone not willing to treat you with the respect you deserve.

[midnightroads]

Okay.

And how do I know how much respect I deserve?

[chrisisofaith]

How much respect do you give other people?

[midnightroads]

Okay, now how are we even measuring?

[chrisisofaith]

Bash, I'm worried that we even have to specify

[midnightroads]

It’s not like, that bad, is it?

[chrisisofaith]

That you don't know how much respect you should be receiving from others? That you can't name a baseline?

Yes
That's bad

What sort of treatment would you consider unacceptable from someone interacting with one of your subs?

[midnightroads]

Anything they weren't into. Anyone making them feel small or lesser--without negotiating that in advance, I mean, I know Jeff's looking into getting himself some...right, off-topic. But, like.

They oughta have someone looking out for them because both of them aren't so good at always looking out for themselves, and that's part of what being a Dominant is for.

[chrisisofaith]

Right and what about the dominant himself?
Don't you deserve at least that much?

You look out for them but who looks out for you?

[midnightroads]

I've never needed anyone to look out for me.

[That's the immediate response. A moment later:]

Fuck.